The return..


I woke up this morning with a sense of dread. My mother is coming home today. It should be a happy time right? I should be grateful that I still have my mother?

It’s complicated I suppose. I never feel adequate when she is around. I feel like I need to prove that I belong here. Like I need to somehow prove that I am actually an adult that doesn’t need her in my life. I don’t need her opinions, her comments or her overbearing words. I am not here to take care of her. It’s not my job to be her constant outlet.

I’m trying to prepare myself for the drawn-out conversations about my brother’s wife. One day, I’d like to just put this out there:

Why even go visit if you’re so unhappy being there? I’m sure it’s all fun and games for them as well!

The last week has been nice with her away. I’ve been able to do some serious writing in my journal the last couple of days and finally got some much-needed rest. I actually started to feel a bit human again.

Today though? I feel antsy and uncomfortable. As the hours tick by and she gets closer I can feel myself wanting to float away. I’m trying to keep myself grounded and avoid the panic.

I prayed for a blizzard that would keep her away a few extra days, but apparently was unsuccessful. So, I’ll put on a movie and try to relax. Rocky IV it is (my favourite Rocky movie).

Because what better way to deal with the anxiety-induced return of your mother than watching two grown adults pummel the crap out of each other?

4 thoughts on “The return..

  1. Oh boy! I hope it goes well, but I remember when I used to measure my accomplishments based upon other’s opinions. Whether family or friends, I longed for their acceptance and any form of criticism worked my nerves and upset me. As I got older, I slowly realized the negative or unwarranted criticism from others is a self-reflection of how they feel about themselves. When I realized that, I had more compassion for certain behaviors while tuning out the negative energy. 😉 Good luck!

    Liked by 1 person

    • It’s hard right? It’s almost like you need to surrender but not in a way that means giving up. Sort of just realizing you can’t change the situation so you need to somehow make an inner peace with it. It’s hard not feeling like you need acceptance from people–especially your parents.

      Thanks for the good wishes!


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