I should have just stayed home



Michael Lang

I’ve been having a hard time settling. Sleep has not come easy. I have barely left my house in 5 days except to shovel snow and grab a quick coffee. I thought if I could just disconnect from the world, things would settle on their own. Not much computer, not following the news, barely texting and avoiding Facebook.

I haven’t missed the things that are happening on the outside. I didn’t miss writing. I didn’t miss catching up on what was going on with friends of mine and I didn’t miss anything going on with the news.

Yesterday I got to thinking that if I kept it up, I could really get used to the idea of not leaving my house again. Realistically, I know it’s not possible–I do have to go back to work next week–but it felt like a nice, even if unattainable, option.

Today I decided I would get out of the house. I made an appointment with my therapist because I figured he was the best option to help me try to settle. The appointment was fine, nothing dramatic or drastic took place, but it felt very strange to be there. I felt like a giant pain in the ass having him come in during the holidays. I rambled on about things that weren’t important and completely avoided what I really wanted to talk about which was how unsettled I feel right now.

A quick stop at the grocery store on the way home–it was insanely busy–and all I could think was grab whatever it is you need to grab and get the hell out of here.

Now, I’m back home in my pajamas, watching a movie. I’m not feeling any more settled than I did this morning or yesterday or the day before that. I should have just stayed home in my quiet and warm basement watching movies.

It’s too peoply out there. Too loud. Too busy. Too much.

Maybe I’ll try again tomorrow. Or maybe not. I’ll have to see what the day brings.

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