Is he the one? The thought races through my mind.
I’ve been thinking about writing this message for awhile but every time I write a few words I erase them. The cursor blinks and the white screen stares back. It feels as though it’s daring me to write the words down. Wondering if I’m brave enough to share it.
I’ve been paying more attention lately. My past is begging me to let it break through the barriers I have had for so long. Sometimes, I miss the days where I didn’t pay attention to anything.
This hurts. It angers. It frustrates.
I try not to care deeply about other people. I think a part of it is because I don’t know how to let myself care. I learned a long time ago to discard others before they could discard me. I need to be in control because control is something I was without for quite awhile.
I need someone to follow through on their promises the way that others haven’t. I’ve been looking for that someone for a really long time. Something on the inside has been telling me that once I found them I would finally know trust is possible. And if I could make it as far as trusting someone then maybe…..just maybe….I would finally believe I deserved more.
Is he the one?
You would think that after three years I would be able to answer that question as easily as it is to breathe. Something tells me he is. But it’s awful and shameful to feel the way I do about him.
I haven’t told him (of course I haven’t). The sheer thought of it makes me want to crawl inside myself, give up and wait for my next chance to fill the emptiness inside.
I don’t even know what I would say to him about it. Maybe something like this….
Can you do something for me? Do you think you can take me home with you and you could be the parent I never had? Because my parents weren’t really up for the job and I want a do-over. It feels like it’s necessary for survival for this to happen. That the only solution is for you to take care of everything that was missed and for me to have all of my wishes fulfilled. I’m really sorry I can’t do this by myself but unfortunately no one taught me how. I forget you sometimes and that makes it feel like a life or death situation. I figure that if I was with you I wouldn’t forget you anymore. It literally feels like my own personal hell when you aren’t around to make things better. I need you to scare away the ghosts and monsters that they never would. So if you really cared (which you said you did) and you really wanted to help (which you said you do) then this is what we need to do to make all of the pain go away. I’ll go pack my bags now.
I’m pretty sure that conversation isn’t about to happen and that just makes it all feel really disappointing.