One hour

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Mb Hucker

One hour can change everything. It can even save a life.

I know and understand that there are times that things won’t work out for me. Part of me gets that it’s the way life works and it in no way is a reflection of who I am. But that young, needy part of me wants to cry and scream about how unfair this life has been. I don’t want the things that happen now to remind of the way things used to be when I was small. I don’t want to feel the things I felt all those years ago.

I missed one single piece of paper when I was submitting documents and that means I now have to reduce my appointments from two days a week to one. It’s my fuck up and I get why it’s happening but it feels really unfair, especially with the way I’ve been feeling lately and right before the holidays. And part of me feels stupid for being upset about the change, because at least it’s not being reduced to nothing (or at least I don’t think it is).

I sent my therapist a message and told him to pick the option that would work best for him. He didn’t choose and wants to talk more about it. I don’t really want to. There isn’t much to say. It’s not something I want to have happen, it just is what it is.

I’m scared and unsure of what it’s all going to mean. It feels as though the fragile strings that sometimes keeps us connected are going to be stretched too far and will break. Five days right now feels awful. I don’t know what I’ll do with seven.

It shouldn’t feel this way. It just shouldn’t. And because it does I am wondering if I see him too much and depend on him too much. I don’t know. It’s hard to think about it, so I’m trying really hard not to. I won’t lie and say that it feels like it’s going to be a good thing, seeing him less. Because it doesn’t. No, not at all.

It was such a long time ago that things happened. I should be able to understand it’s not the same anymore. ‎I should be able to understand that he is still there and nothing bad is going to happen when I don’t see him. I don’t have a lot of good memories swirling around in my mind. The only thing I seem to remember is that bad things happen when people are away from me.

It feels like I will never get what’s been missing this whole time. It’s wrong to have to keep fighting to remain strong enough to make it through this life. I want to stay and see what happens but the pull to pack my bags and exit is so very strong.

6 thoughts on “One hour

  1. I am so sorry you are struggling. I understand this so well.

    Everything you are feeling is normal, even though it feels overwhelming. I am going through all of this myself right now. For the last 10 months I have been seeing two different therapists, both once a week for different forms of therapy – so I understand what an extra 2 days between sessions can feel like a year. Therapy is a safe place for us to feel everything, to not have to control reaction or response – it is our time dedicated for processing a horrific reality.

    I hope you are able to get things situated so you can increase your sessions again. Maybe even check your area for a county program that may assist. That is where I go for my CBT therapy, a local agency that specialized in sexual assault victims.

    Wishing you peace. We have quite the load to carry.

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    • I think it’s resolved.

      I broke down and told my therapist the reason (Canada Revenue Agency). He offered to still meet me but I feel like I’m taking advantage of him.

      He told me to go home and think about it and let him know…he’s going to keep the appointment times anyways. It’s hard to kick that ‘I don’t need your help, I can do it on my own’ mentality.

      I still often feel like there are people who need him way more than I do and I shouldn’t complain about what I do have…..

      Sigh…….

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      • It was either my second or third session with my EMDR therapist … that night I had the worst panic attack to date since I began this. It all stemmed from my believing that she must think I am absolutely crazy, that I must be making all of this up for attention and that the only reason she was seeing me was due to insurance. It was horrible what my head did to me that night. It got so bad, I thought I was going to literally have a heart attack. Of course, I was also in the beginning stages of speaking aloud what I have been through. So it makes sense I felt all those things. I was groomed to feel them.

        You are not taking advantage of him. You are important, your trauma is relevant, and you deserve help as you come to terms and learn to live with this. Counselors go into this field to help people like us, it is why they specialize in trauma, to begin with. See him 3 times a week if that is what you need.

        Our minds are very powerful, and the negative cognitions hardwired into us by our abusers will often try to play tricks.

        I am glad you were able to speak with him about this and straighten out your appointments. I say keep them. I know I personally have no intention of stopping my twice a week therapy any time soon. 🙂

        Liked by 1 person

  2. I would call someone from the agency and talk about the paperwork and that you will be submitting the needed form. You have every right to receive what need. If that person isn’t helpful demand a superior.
    It is not a surprise that disappointments and hurts of today bring one back to traumatic times. Trauma that goes internally rather than brought to the light and processed causes great challenges and repeats those hurts over and over again.

    Liked by 1 person

    • It’s Canada Revenue Agency, so it’s like banging your head against the wall. I sent the completed form at the first of November, they received it, but it could take up to 20 weeks to resolve (from their end though, they can figure out how to stop everything in less than a month).

      What angers me the most is that they didn’t even tell me they were going to cut my benefits–I had to check online and noticed the difference (or I would have noticed next week when they deposit the funds).They also said I owe over $2000 to them, I owe the province money and I have to pay back GST. (All of this will of course be reversed as soon as they process the form….if they ever process the form). The kicker…..it’s all because of childcare expenses. I sent the receipts, just not the form.

      I budget very carefully, don’t have a lot of extra curricular activities, don’t shop for myself, get no support for the boys from their father and depend on the benefit to help me make it through the month. My only give when things go wrong is ‘me and therapy’.

      I broke down and told my therapist yesterday the reason why we need to meet less (I don’t know about you, but I absolutely hate talking finances). He doesn’t want us to stop meeting so he offered to still see me anyways.

      I feel like I’m taking advantage of him and wonder what I’ll have to do in return (my mind instantly shoots back to the ‘nothing comes for free thought pattern’). I have to let him know what I decide to do. That stubborn Scottish mentality of ‘I can do it on my own and I don’t need anybody” that I was born with gets in the way sometimes.

      sigh…..

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      • My therapist raised his rates yearly but kept mine the same for all four years. Others really want to help if we just let them. Learning how to accept a gift with grace is a gift to others. Someday you may be able to repay, or you repay in other ways with the growth that comes from this gift to you from him. It’s ok.

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