One hour can change everything. It can even save a life.
I know and understand that there are times that things won’t work out for me. Part of me gets that it’s the way life works and it in no way is a reflection of who I am. But that young, needy part of me wants to cry and scream about how unfair this life has been. I don’t want the things that happen now to remind of the way things used to be when I was small. I don’t want to feel the things I felt all those years ago.
I missed one single piece of paper when I was submitting documents and that means I now have to reduce my appointments from two days a week to one. It’s my fuck up and I get why it’s happening but it feels really unfair, especially with the way I’ve been feeling lately and right before the holidays. And part of me feels stupid for being upset about the change, because at least it’s not being reduced to nothing (or at least I don’t think it is).
I sent my therapist a message and told him to pick the option that would work best for him. He didn’t choose and wants to talk more about it. I don’t really want to. There isn’t much to say. It’s not something I want to have happen, it just is what it is.
I’m scared and unsure of what it’s all going to mean. It feels as though the fragile strings that sometimes keeps us connected are going to be stretched too far and will break. Five days right now feels awful. I don’t know what I’ll do with seven.
It shouldn’t feel this way. It just shouldn’t. And because it does I am wondering if I see him too much and depend on him too much. I don’t know. It’s hard to think about it, so I’m trying really hard not to. I won’t lie and say that it feels like it’s going to be a good thing, seeing him less. Because it doesn’t. No, not at all.
It was such a long time ago that things happened. I should be able to understand it’s not the same anymore. I should be able to understand that he is still there and nothing bad is going to happen when I don’t see him. I don’t have a lot of good memories swirling around in my mind. The only thing I seem to remember is that bad things happen when people are away from me.
It feels like I will never get what’s been missing this whole time. It’s wrong to have to keep fighting to remain strong enough to make it through this life. I want to stay and see what happens but the pull to pack my bags and exit is so very strong.