Tangles

bateman-fencepost-and-burdock

Robert Bateman

Even though I live in Canada it has always felt that once the American Thanksgiving is over the countdown begins. It’s just over a month until Christmas and that means the upcoming holiday break has found its way onto the radar.

Vacations, holidays, meetings. Anything that results in a break in therapy is discussed weeks in advance. My therapist will add it to the conversation so seamlessly. He tries to talk about it, but I don’t like to. He obviously thinks we should. I don’t want to put it out there, in the open, about how I feel about it. He’ll tell me to let him know when we should talk about it. I’m not sure what to say.

In the past I would have said fine, what’s to talk about, you’ll be gone, I’ll be fine, end of story, let’s move on. I told myself that I would never need him. I told myself that I would never again care for someone in the way that I could feel left by them. Needs are bad. They were in the past and they still feel that way today.

I absolutely hate openly admitting to needing or missing him, but it’s true.

I’m trying to be mature about it, but what I’d really like to do is throw myself on the floor and cry big hot angry tears. My inner child sees it as just another upcoming abandonment and feels devastated….again.

I hate when he is gone (sometimes even just for the weekend). I hate it more that I care. I hate that it feels like I need him to be around for me to talk to. A part of me knows I’ll be okay. I survived a long time without him and I survived a month long break when he went to Italy, so what’s a little more than a week in the grand scheme of things. 12 days. 288 hours. 17,280 minutes. It’s not that long really. But it doesn’t make it hurt any less.

To be fair to him, he did offer to meet with me between Christmas and New Years but it seems a little over the top. I’m sure he would much rather be spending time with his family during the holiday season than sitting in an office waiting for me to mumble out a couple of words.

A part of me also believes the reason he offered to meet with me has nothing to do with me whatsoever. Maybe there are some other clients who need him more than I do and he just offered to fit me in because he’ll be there anyways.

I don’t know the reasons. It’s not like I would ever ask him.

It’s just over 4 weeks till the next break. There is still time to think about taking him up on the offer to meet. And if I can work up the courage, there is still time to talk about it too.

Maybe there is still time to untwist the tangles.

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