The words of my therapist echo in my head, please promise me you will think of the words I say to you when you feel as though you will self destruct.
I promise.
Last night was our Santa Claus parade. I thought it would be good to go, take the boys and get out for an evening. I texted my friend to see if they were going and we made plans to meet up. All day, I regretted it. All day, I was thinking of ways to get out of it. But the boys were excited and I had already told them we were going, so how could I possibly look them in the eye and tell them I’d changed my mind. So, I pulled up my socks and forced myself to go. We found a spot right near the beginning so that as soon as it was over we could make a quick exit.
I watched my boys and their eyes sparkled with excitement. The laughter of children filled the air and I saw families standing together embracing the Christmas spirit. But I couldn’t feel it and I couldn’t share in it. I only wanted to go home and get into bed where it was quiet and warm.
Today it’s cold. You can sense the early winter air changing. Normally I love when it happens. It’s easier to breathe and things feel clean and clear. But I’m in a funk. Life is not feeling good at the moment.
But I made a promise and the promise I will keep.
It Feels Complicated 