I have whole areas of my life where I function in a successful, adult way. Then there are parts of me that function with a thinking style that would mirror a tiny child.
Like many people who suffered trauma in their childhood, I have trouble with constancy in relationships. For my entire life I have fought to ignore it. How do you tell someone you saw just hours ago that it feels as though they no longer exist? Unless you have experienced it I am not sure it would be possible to understand how massively uncomfortable it feels. It is panic. Panic that sinks right down to your very core and often ends with hot angry tears of defeat.
When there are good caring people around you, having them cease to exist in your mind the moment they leave your side is a horrible and infuriating experience. It is safe to say that it makes me feel stupid. It is safe to say that it makes me feel childish. It is safe to say that I am ashamed of it.
It has been, and continues to be, an enormous hurdle in therapy. My therapist says that what I experience is some kind of evidence that people I cared about did abandon me at one time. My emotions are testament to that. He says I feel what anyone would feel in these circumstances and it must be very difficult for me to believe that abandonment will not always happen. He believes it probably feels dangerous to even entertain such a possibility that I will not be abandoned. However, by going through the difficult hell that this represents once again, he believes there is hope that I will begin to see that what once was… is not now…is not the future. He tells me ‘I am with you, always; what we have is permanent and it cannot be broken’. I wish I could hold on to that feeling.
It just hurts so much. It feels awful. I have reached the point where the state of being left alone isn’t tolerable anymore. I simply cannot hold on to the feeling that the people I care about will come back to me.
It is not normal.
It is not okay.
It feels like a huge part of me is missing.
I feel broken.