I feel as though I have been stuck in quicksand and when that happens I just want to give up. I have a hard time seeing that people care about me and need me. It simply feels like nothing matters and I have a strong internal desire to pull myself away from everyone and everything and just be alone. It’s simply how it feels it should be.
The problem with this though, is that sometimes being alone makes me feel alone, if that makes any sense. Feeling alone brings me back to my childhood; time spent by myself dealing with grown-up problems that should not have been my concern. When I was younger my mother would send me away because I was ‘too much’ for her. She would tell me she couldn’t handle me and that I needed to go stay with someone else for awhile so she could just have a break from me. I never knew when, or even if, she would come back for me. All I remember is feeling completely and utterly alone. And that’s the type of lonely I have been feeling lately. I never seem to know what to do with myself when I feel that type of loneliness. It’s like an internal clawing, achy feeling. It makes me want to stop existing.
Last week, I had a difficult conversation with my therapist regarding my current feelings about not wanting to exist anymore. I told him that I cannot understand the reasons why my mind is keeping me here, but maybe that’s all I need to know for the moment–that it wants me to stay. And for the time being I would continue to fight even though driving by or seeing a cliff surrounded by water is almost too tempting for me. When I told him that, he started to cry.
At first I thought I had somehow broken him and that I shouldn’t have said what I did but then the feeling changed and it felt more like I made him cry because things were just really bad and I didn’t realize it. And that just made me feel horrible and then it started to not matter. That night I went home and I had a nightmare and the next day I woke up and absolutely nothing mattered. And it was the first time where I looked at my boys and told myself that they would be okay without me; somebody would take care of them if I was not here.
I told my therapist at my appointment yesterday how it felt. He didn’t seem to understand how that could happen. He said to me ‘how can you understand me crying as though it didn’t matter?’ In his mind he thought it would show me that it’s okay to have feelings and that it would reinforce how much he cares about me.
He asked me to explain what brought me to feeling like it didn’t matter. I told him it’s because I feel like I am ‘too much’. He seemed taken aback and told me ‘the only thing that would ever be too much would be if we couldn’t talk about things.’ So I asked him ‘if I ever become too much, will you tell me?’ He smiled and answered ‘that will never happen, you will never be too much for me because it is impossible and that’s the God’s honest truth.’ He wanted to know if I believed him and I shrugged my shoulders. ‘One day, you will believe me,’ is all he said.
I felt sad afterwards. I still have such a hard time hearing and believing that he cares about me. I have such a hard time feeling as though I am simply enough.
I think these are the moments I need to learn to pay attention to and try to connect with other people. The problem is that it does not feel like a comfortable option at all. I have never understood how some people make it look so easy, connecting with another person. To me it feels like one of the most difficult things in the world. It doesn’t feel like a permanent connection but more like a fragile, limited thing, as though it could shatter at any moment without notice.